( she thinks briefly, very briefly, about what silco (the guy she was trying to impress) must think of her and her disloyal, faithless crew. they already share koby. why not sanji? what's hers is his, maybe in part just because he knows he can have it. if there's one thing nami is good at, it's losing.
it's not a very good game of chess, because all nami's pieces keep willingly jumping ship. )
[ the ceiling, the clouds, the sky — it all comes crashing down on him with a sickening roil of his gut. it would’ve hurt less if nami ran him through with zoro’s one remaining sword. ]
i don’t want you to replace me. i’m your cook. i love being your cook, and i love you.
( sometimes, she thinks he wields his i love yous like a knife. she tries to be sensitive to the fact that his feelings are delicate, and that hers are — unnamed, intangible, nonspecific. so, she does the most polite thing she can think of in the moment, and ignores it entirely. )
where did i say i'm replacing you? i need a back up if you're going to have other responsibilities unless you think we should shut operations down because you want to look up some skirts
that’s not what i’m doing. and i don’t need any other help in the kitchen. if you think my dishes are lacking then tell me. can’t be worse than anything the old shitbag used to say about my cooking.
you don’t need to feel like i’m leaving you, nami. i would never. i would die before that.
then why does it sound like you think i'm leaving you? we don't exist on an island, nami. although it would be my dream to live on an island with you. but having allies can't be a bad thing here. not when our numbers seem like they keep dwindling. and jinx is there.
( a thought comes, unbidden: maybe sanji and jinx just want alone time, without her. left out. distanced? )
why do you think i decided to make a restaurant? you're the one who knows about kitchens, which you've reminded me about a million times. it was for your dream. zoro would've been happy anywhere that, and so we could keep being a crew without a ship
but you're right. usopp's gone. luffy's gone. now zoro's gone. all of them left so it's just us if you want to make allies then you should do that
( nami, perpetual loner, is still not good at making nice. his allies, not hers. )
and if you say that means nothing has changed, then i'll believe it but i have to see it first
we'll always be a crew. with or without a ship. all of us — usopp, luffy, and zoro, too. but you can't hurt yourself for my dream. i did that with zeff. with the baratie. i never would've left if not for luffy, because i needed to make sure the old shitbag's dream was protected at all times. my dream was never to be his sous chef, or even anyone's head chef. i cook because i love it. i want to be your cook, because i love feeding people, and i always will. i love cooking for you. but my dream is to find the all blue. and when i do, you're going to put it on that map you make of the whole world.
nothing changes between us. it's been you from the moment i laid eyes on you. it'll always be you.
i mean. i also wanted to wear cute hostess outfits. it's not hurting me. we're just stuck here and have to make the most of it. the all blue has literally never been further away. obviously we're going to get there eventually, just like i'm going to get my map eventually. but right now we're here. this is what we have
( each other. this restaurant. nami isn't like him — she needs some glue holding them together, some reason, some ship. if not, she'll scurry at the first sign of trouble, like a fish at the break of water.
sometimes, sanji's earnestness is a little unsettling to nami — in that way that feelings, raw and unfiltered, and love, unapologetic and unconditional, make her uncomfortable. not because she doesn't have feelings, but because she's used to biting them back, the way that sanji is used to wordvomitting them out. so it's weird, for a second, that she isn't uncomfortable — for no particular reason that nami can name, it feels different now. at least insomuch as the words it'll always be you manage to coddle some marrow deep insecurity she's always accidentally feeding, feeling like an outsider or dangling thread on her own life. it's not the first time she's realized she loves him, but it is the first time she's wanted to tell him.
she'll have to sit and think on that. probably for a long time — definitely after he proves the truth of what he's saying. if sanji ever wanted something easy, he probably should've it'll always be you'd to someone else. )
[ both the surprise at the message and the solitude of the early morning eclipse a kneejerk response for anger. paul isn't someone he makes a habit of thinking about, but his shitty face has crossed his thoughts more often than he finds comfortable, kicking up memories of that strange month. ]
weren't you preoccupied with someone else?
[ as if the same can't be said for him at any given moment, in any given universe. ]
Yes. I get preoccupied a lot. But I had an affection for you, that I don't think was so clear to either of us at the time. With time, that most precious of all resources, I think it could've turned into love.
[ There's still gravedirt under his nails, when he finds Sanji. Composed, ethereally remote — almost as if he has turned off every emotion, only to leave the alien force in its wake. His footsteps are quiet, the collar and shoulder of his shirt still damp with her tears. ]
I assume Koby has informed you, that Shanks is dead for now. I have seen to him.
[ A pause, and he examines his dirty nails. A memory rising in his own mind: Sanji, crying and bereft in the water. Seeking comfort, loathing himself; it's not something he can avoid thinking of, as the twisting thing in his own chest wishes it could wail like the cook. Like Nami. But, nobody ever cared for his pain, his anguish, his crying — so, why bother? Instead, he informs. ]
( they didn't have much time to chat in the aftermath, not with quentin dragging shanks back to his little commune house with a few broken ribs. sanji had been conscious and still shit-talking last he saw, and that was good enough.
but now, laid up in bed and told to rest (wife's orders), he has the time to check in. )
I appreciate the assist back there.
( "the assist" as if they hadn't just kicked saber's shit in. )
Luffy's lucky to have you on his crew. How are you holding up?
[ he can feel her slipping away. like koby, like shanks, like nami when she runs. (like luffy, like usopp, like zoro. like everyone.) a weight in his chest, a space for whatever explosion she needs to have. whatever it is, it doesn't matter, as long as he comes back. ]
jinx remember what i told you? that stuff is just in your head. you belong here. you're supposed to stay with us. with me.
yeah, the whole time silco. you think i don't want to kick his shitty brains out? but it wasn't his fault, jinx. just like none of this is yours. he wouldn't want you to waste your life just because he's gone. actually i don't know what the hell he would want, but if it's not for you to live, then i don't give a shit. you are good, jinx. and maybe that doesn't mean anything coming from a shitty pirate, but it's true. you're good. you always have been.
no. i'm here for you. if you want to make sure he gets back, you better be here to do it your damn self.
[ she doesn’t know what silco would want, either, when he was only hurt further by her return — when he played this game alone, to no end. he loves her in a way she doesn’t always understand. maybe because the parts of her that aren’t good suit him best.
(the parts that are good, calling her to the forest after nami, hunting his fellow wolves and buzzing allies, only ever seem to hurt him. something she can’t bear to think about, any more than his loss.)
and sanji — she hears him. maybe she even believes him, but it doesn’t change her luck. the hex of her very existence, which means everybody around her dies. mylo, claggor, vander, koby, dom, silco. ]
( tucked into sanji's bedspread is a scroll of fine parchment, sealed closed with a bit of orange-dyed twine and a charm. the scroll, should he unfurl it, is a realistic portrait of himself as nami sees him — smiling softly over his shoulder, hands working on his latest culinary masterpiece, eyes a little sultry with wanting. there's no card, but the portrait is initialed NS. )
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